Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my dad’s passing. Every year around this time I become depressed and easily agitated because it’s a constant reminder of him not being here. I cry, I eat and don’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day. But this year was different, I felt ok. I’ve watched the calendar everyday for the past week, blowing a kiss to my father’s picture every day before I go out the door. My brother sent me a text saying that he was going to have a bud light tonight. I wondered why because I know he doesn’t drink beer. He said for daddy. I replied oh!
I know what you’re thinking; Did I forget on the day of? Do I not care anymore?—Not at all. I actually felt weird that I didn’t do more to acknowledge the day. I thought something was wrong with me. Normally, I would drive to his grave site and talk to him for about an hour, but since I’ve moved I’m further away. After talking to a close family member, I have nothing to feel weird about. He said, “Your heart will never accept being without him but your heart can accept that fact that he is in a better place.
I’ve finally accepted that he is no longer physically here; I don’t need him to be. Shoot, all I have to do is look into a mirror and there he is; a true reflection of myself from my nose to the shape of my eyes to my short and stockiness. (Don’t laugh; the struggle of being short is real). I find solace in knowing that he actually is in a better place and no longer suffering from his long battle with cancer.
All I ever needed was to feel his spirit. At night, sometimes I talk to him and tell him all about my day or the things going on in my life. He was the first person I wanted to call when I found out I got accepted into Syracuse. He’s still here because he lives within me.
Death isn’t about passing it’s about growth. I honestly can’t say I would be where I am today had he not passed. His death forced me to be the woman I am today—strong, independent and willing to take risks in every aspect of my life (career, relationships).